With adding new products comes a lot of errand-running. I've been to every Old Navy within the St. Louis area [multiple times] over the last few weeks, looking for denim skirts and white shirts. I've also been to JoAnn's, Hobby Lobby, and Hancock Fabrics a countless number of times getting ready for the craft show. My poor kids were being dragged around everywhere I went. In the beginning, I tried to make it fun. For example, when I had to go to the Old Navy at St. Louis Mills mall, we made sure to ride the carousel there and play at the indoor playground. As I was making personalized bow holders, Little B and I would go through the wooden letters and name them. But then as time got closer to the fair, I just wanted to hurry and get stuff done quickly. Even at home, I was busy trying to get as much as I could done while they were awake and wanting my attention (I usually wait to work till they're napping or sleeping at night). They were misbehaving because they were getting bored, and I was getting mean and crabby with them because I couldn't get my stuff done. It seemed like every time I tried to sit at my computer, 18-month-old Baby A would come over and try to pull me away. I was getting so frustrated with her!
This even continued after the craft fair as I became obsessed with designing more shirts and skirts since they did so well. But I finally got a little wake up call a couple of days ago. After a couple hours of picnicking and playing at the park, I thought I could go ahead and squeeze in a little Old Navy trip right before nap time. Long story short, while my head was turned, Baby A found a way to stand up and fall out of the stroller and hit her head on the bottom edge of a clothes rack. She was screaming, but I didn't know if it was because she was tired and crabby or really hurt. There were no signs of any injuries, so I assumed she was ok. We left, and she calmed down and fell asleep in her car seat. When we got home, I transferred her from the car to her crib and she napped for a couple of hours.
That night, I had plans to go out with a friend to see The Hunger Games. All I could think about was how excited I was to get a break from the kids because they were frustrating me so much lately! When Baby A woke up, my friend was already at my house and we were getting ready to leave. Baby A seemed a little groggy, but that is pretty normal after just getting up from a nap. She had a small bruise on her forehead, but it didn't look bad - it was so light you could barely see it. My husband, Chris, was on kid duty. I told him about her fall and told him she might be crabby. Then I gave dinner instructions, said bye, and headed out the door excitedly to go see this much anticipated movie!
After 2 hours of kid-free, movie-watching fun, I came home feeling happy and self-satisfied. I LOVED the movie and all the characters and was just so happy about having that time to myself. But as soon as I walked in the door, Chris told me I lucked out because I missed a night of crabby Baby A. He said he thought she had the flu because she threw up twice while eating dinner. My heart sank. All I could think was: CONCUSSION. My whole body immediately felt weak and panicked and lost. I had no concussion experience. I just knew head hit + throwing up = concussion. My mind went blank - I had no idea how to handle this, or what the risks are, or what to do about it. She was sound asleep. Do I wake her up? Do I call the doctor or take her into the hospital? Am I overreacting? What exactly IS a concussion anyway?
I checked on her, and she seemed like she was sleeping normal, so I decided to leave her alone for the moment. Then, did some major Googling on concussions. After everything I read, I came to the conclusion that as long as she wasn't throwing up anymore and breathing normal, I should just let her sleep and watch her closely the next day for any further signs. Chris said she wasn't walking funny or acting weird, but she did just want to be held all night. I calmed down a little, but still had to go pick her up and hold her and rock her for a while. I cried a lot and I prayed a lot. This whole thing made me remember how precious and fragile this little child is. It's amazing how strong you realize your love for your child is when you fear they are hurting or that you might lose them or a part of them. My heart literally HURT. I felt so ungrateful and undeserving. I told God how sorry I was about getting my priorities mixed up, and asked Him to protect my sweet baby girl. I told Him that I can't do this Mom thing alone, and I desperately need Him to lead me through every step of this crazy journey.
I thought about how much this little girl needs her Mommy, and how I had been so neglectful. She was still getting good meals and proper care, but my mind and my heart were elsewhere. Every time I sat at my computer and she tried to pull me away, she was saying to me, "Mommy, I love you, and I need you. Please pay attention to me! And please don't just go through the motions, but let me have your whole heart and mind." She was reaching out to me and all I could think about how annoying it was that I couldn't get my work done.
She ended up being fine, thank God! Turns out, it WAS probably just a little flu bug. She had a small fever the next day, but no more throwing up. A little Acetaminophen, and she was back to normal, and the fever was gone by that night. But it sure did give me a scare. A scare I needed.
Being a work at home mom sounds like it'd be the best of both worlds...having a job and making money, yet being able to stay at home with your children every day. But I'm coming to the realization that it's a lot more complicated than that. Staying at home and caring for your children is already a full time job. When you're working at home, it's very difficult to separate work from home because it's constantly intertwined. There are no "work hours". You have to find the time to do the work, but it shouldn't interfere with child rearing. You think you can do both at the same time...come up with new designs while you're sitting there playing trains, or spitting out short generic responses to them as you're working on the computer or sewing machine as they're trying to tell you something "important". But when you're doing this, you're actually choosing work over them.
I am very passionate about both my family and my work. Both are important, but family comes first. This is a struggle I am facing and trying to work out. I don't know the right answer, but for now, I know I have to change my priorities and have set times to work - during nap time and after the kids are asleep at night. Plus maybe set a strict time limit of working for 30 minutes after breakfast while the kids are having quiet play time in the toy room or something like that. Most of all, I need to change the way I THINK. I need to force myself to stop thinking about work so much. I need to stop designing and making task lists while feeding and playing with the kids, but rather take that time to ask them about their thoughts and dreams, then LISTEN to their responses no matter how silly or trivial they seem. I need to search my heart and realize how precious time with them truly is, and make that my number one true desire.
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